


The Chilling Exorcism of Ryan Bergara

by Ghoulboyboos, istie



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Demons, Established Relationship, Halloween, M/M, Podfic Available, Podfic Length: 30-45 Minutes, other Buzzfeed employees cameos, prank, social media usage galore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-08-08 13:50:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16430615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghoulboyboos/pseuds/Ghoulboyboos, https://archiveofourown.org/users/istie/pseuds/istie
Summary: The ghoul boys decide to troll the entire community: what if Ryan reallydidget possessed?Includes podfic.





	The Chilling Exorcism of Ryan Bergara

**Author's Note:**

> This includes a _bunch_ of CSS formatting. You will definitely want "show creator's style" turned on for this one. Also, if you're on Chrome, you may get a warning about an "unsafe script" on this page - it's just a video embed, Chrome freaks out for no reason, you can safely load it.
> 
> Thank you to [phantomdare1](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8631214/chapters/20890940#workskin), [CodenameCarrot](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6580324/chapters/15055588), and [Heterochromia_Mars](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12142470) for their CSS templates!

Podfic, read by istie: [mp3 link](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1cvtRNfV0LlwNL-rxWmk4BDfziZhL8scr) [44:08]

* * *

The initial strangeness of Ryan’s and Shane’s relationship changing passes relatively quickly. Their movie nights are still movie nights, but sometimes they’re also date night. They go out if they have the time, they book double beds on location – if they sleep in a hotel – and they sometimes post to social media when visiting each other's parents together.

Unsolved stays the same, except Shane will sometimes roll his eyes when Ryan freaks out and take his hand and Ryan will calm down a little, despite grumbling that Shane makes everything worse actually. They still joke around, they still ‘fight’ with each other, but their banter is more charged than ever. At one point, Ryan posts about them slowly going through their stuff and looking for a place to move in together. The Instagram post is filled with hearts and supportive reactions. It’s really sweet.

So they move in together, they shoot a new season of True Crime, they spend Christmas in two places, the Bergara household and the Madej household, before returning to the Bergara-Madej (Madej-Bergara? They’ve switched it half a dozen times now and show no signs of stopping) to recover from eating too much four days in a row.

Around March, they get involved in a prank war with the Worth It guys. It’s not a PR thing, at least not in the beginning. It simply starts by Steven pulling a prank on Ryan, probably fueled by hanging out with the Try Guys too much. Ryan retaliates, but the glitter bomb (Jen’s idea) hits Andrew too, so now Andrew has to bring some payback— which also affects Shane, because some of Shane’s stuff is on Ryan’s desk. Shane is not happy with all his stuff being encased in Jello, so he decides to fire back and since Shane is a menace when he wants to be, HR kindly asks them to stop before someone gets hurt.

Maybe they tasted blood and wanted more. Maybe it was just because Supernatural was coming up and Shane was already planning their Halloween costumes, starting still six months to Halloween. Either way, when he enters their bedroom one night in June, he holds his phone in his hand and has an expression of such grim determination that Ryan slowly closes his laptop.

“Are you okay, man?”

“Ryan. I have a proposition.”

“A… _sexy_ proposition or—”

Shane wheezes as he walks around the bed and sits down on his side. “Not for now, no. Look at this.”

He scoots over and shows Ryan his phone. It’s a still from the Test Friends video they shot years ago, titled “Men Wear Makeup For A Week”. Shane has it paused on the scene at the party in the end where he, Ryan, and Curly are posing for a photo.

Ryan frowns at it. “You want us to wear natural makeup for the Halloween party?” He can tell that Shane’s already started planning. It’s a little concerning, but Ryan also thinks it’s kind of endearing.

Shane shakes his head, however, and scrolls down to the comment section. “Look at this.”

Ryan reads. “...Did you see the way Ryan’s eyes lit up at night?! Human eyes don’t light up like that! What the fuck, maybe Ryan DID get possessed on location!!!” There are several comments underneath but Shane hasn’t opened the thread. Ryan just frowns. “It’s because of the night vision filter, though. They should know that.”

Shane smirks. “Sure, some do. But most people will see it and go ‘oh shit you’re right’, because this is the internet. People just go along with what someone says and don’t take time to think about it. And _that …_ gave me an idea.”

Ryan lifts an eyebrow, suddenly intrigued. “What kind of idea?”

Shane lowers his phone and waggles his eyebrows. “What if people somehow got the idea you were possessed? I’m sure it wouldn’t take much to make them believe it. A simple comment here, a little push there. You’re a great actor when you put your mind to it - I’ve seen it before. But I bet – and I’m willing to bet you whatever you want – that we can make people start believing you’re under the influence of some demonic entity within… let’s say three months. Play the slow game.”

Ryan thinks about it, turns it over in his head. Then, he says, “We’re about to finish filming the next season of Supernatural. A little extra post-production could plant a few clues, and then …”

Shane catches his drift. “The post-mortems.”

“You get me.”

And so a plan is born. The next day is, conveniently, an Unsolved planning meeting with the main crew - Mark, Devon, and TJ.

“Okay, so, hear us out,” Shane starts, “we have an idea—”

He doesn’t get very far, though, as Ryan just turns around from where he was writing on the board and gives the crew the _creepiest_ smile Shane has ever seen in his life.

* * *

“Let’s get back to Gramtown!” Shane calls, interrupting Ryan’s slight rant about people doing stupid stuff that messes with the supernatural while pointedly looking at Shane. “boogara4lyf asks: Ryan, you were pretty bold around the demon this time, what brought that up? You’re usually really careful on locations like these and I felt you were a bit more relaxed. Love the show and can’t wait for the rest of the new season. #boogara #shaneyourecooltoo #congratsonthenewdog”

Ryan laughs and glances over at Shane. Maybe it’s a bit too obvious that Shane’s stupid jokes actually made him relax this time, even though he does indeed think the place is possessed.

* * *

“We can just start to pepper stuff in.” Shane had said at the board meeting. “The ‘demonic’” - and Ryan kind of hates that he can hear the air quotes around the word - “location is first this time, we could imply something… I don’t know, latched onto Ryan there?”

Ryan shivers. Only a little, but he does. He’s pretty sure he _hasn’t_ been possessed, but the idea is still creepy. Still, Shane had looked really excited when Ryan had made his first ‘demonic’ face and he has to admit, it’s kind of thrilling. “I was thinking…” He taps the whiteboard with the pen he’s holding. “I could pretend to have little blackouts at first, that’s something that indicates possession with the known cases.” He pointedly ignores Shane’s snort before continuing. “I don’t want us to mess with any evidence on the show, but implying something here and there or making a social media post or post-mortem video a little creepier… I’m on board with that.”

Shane claps his hands together. “Okay then!” He seems excited. “Let’s start slow. Some weird looks or whatever you can think of, maybe in the next postmortem?”

* * *

He stares at Shane for a couple of seconds too long, allowing his face to drop into a shut-off mask. Finally he speaks, keeping his voice a little too flat, a little too disengaged. “I don’t know.” He feels like he’s overselling it a bit, he sounds like he’s about to fall asleep, but Shane suddenly perks up and looks at him, eyes gleaming. “Maybe I got possessed the second I put a foot on the property. That would explain why I didn’t feel anything in the energy this time.”

Shane needs a moment to fall back into his old form. “...Or maybe it’s because demons aren’t real, Ryan.”

Ryan looks over at him, allowing his voice to drop into a deep growl, not unlike his Ricky Goldsworth ‘impressions’. “Shut up, Shane.” He glares at him and doesn’t miss the hint of a shiver that rolls down Shane’s back.

* * *

“You know,” Shane says one evening, while Ryan is ‘practicing’, “I never thought I’d say this, but … you’re kind of hot, like this.”

It breaks Ryan’s concentration. “What, really?” he splutters. “This _does_ it for you? Shane _Alexander_ Madej, wh—”

“ _Mm_ ,” Shane says, clearly playing it up a bit (but not entirely), “you can kill me any time, baby, if you talk to me like that.”

“Oh my god, that’s messed up,” Ryan says, passing a hand over his face, dropping his phone onto the couch. “But … it _does_ give me an idea. We … we didn’t have an endgame yet, did we?”

“No…” Shane replies, watching him with no small amount of trepidation. “Go on.”

* * *

[If you see no video below, [click this link](http://www.metacafe.com/embed/11766555/weird-talking-in-the-bathroom/).]

  
Spooky Madej   
@shalexandej   
Hahahaha @ryansbergara is such a kidder, he’s locked himself in the bathroom and is pretending to speak in tongues (Face With Tears Of Joy ) 6:38 PM - 13 Oct 2018  2,192 5,231  
  
Ryan Boo-gara   
@ryansbergara   
Guys I don’t know what’s happening to me, I think I just locked myself in the bathroom for way too long and I don’t remember it, my throat hurts and I don’t know why  7:07 PM - 13 Oct 2018  2,144 2,901  
  
Neebri Spear  
@bby1moretime   
GUYS NO. that’s not normal! Ryan needs help! 7:09 PM - 13 Oct 2018  2 39  
  
Undying Light  
@undyinglight   
What the actual FUCK Shane call an exorcist or something what is going on. 7:14 PM - 13 Oct 2018  14 100  
  
Just Call Me Linda  
@incrediboy   
What the HAP is FUCKENING 7:31 PM - 13 Oct 2018  35 234  
  
Spell-sey Impicciche   
@kelseydangerous   
This. is this a joke. Tell me this is a joke. 7:45 PM - 13 Oct 2018  42 542  
  
Zach Kornmaze   
@korndiddy   
I think it’s finally happened. Ryan’s snapped. Hey @ryansbergara idk if I’m still up for drinks this weekend 7:52 PM - 13 Oct 2018  24 734  
  
Ryan Boo-gara   
@ryansbergara   
@korndiddy what are you talking about man it sounds like I’m doing vocal warmups or some shit. Possession sounds different. 8:03 PM - 13 Oct 2018  503 1,204  
  
Zach Kornmaze   
@korndiddy   
@ryansbergara huh, strange, nobody even MENTIONED POSSESSION RYAN 7:52 PM - 13 Oct 2018  1,324 4,302

Shane looks up from his phone as Bonnie Raitt launches into the chorus of “I Can’t Make You Love Me” and loses it. Ryan across the room is already wheezing.

“Holy fuck, this is incredible,” Ryan says, wiping tears from his eyes. “We barely had to do anything!”

“Give ‘em an inch and they’ll run a mile,” Shane says, grinning.

“Now you see why I think we can get away with the Halloween party idea, yeah?”

“Oh yeah. They’ll swallow it hook, line, and sinker. We even have _Zach_ convinced.”

“To be fair, Zach tends to get quickly involved in something without really knowing what’s going on. I’ll celebrate when we get _Eugene_.”

“Challenge accepted.” Shane whispers grimly and Ryan loses it again.

* * *

The flood of activity from the glossolalia escapade means they _have_ to address it in the next postmortem. Shane has it playing right after they release it, while the others are arguing over what to do next over at the whiteboard.

“A lot of viewers have been expressing concern over Ryan’s condition,” Shane says on the screen, straight-faced. “And we’d just like to let you know that here on the Unsolved crew, we take everyone’s health _very_ seriously. Which is why Ryan has something to share with you all.”

Ryan grins sheepishly. “Uh, yeah. I just wanna say that I’m okay, guys. I’m totally fine. Think of this as my Bad Airport Hot Dogs incident. But thank you all for your concern, it’s really touching! No demons here, though; I’m _totally_ fine.”

As he says the last few words, the feed glitches almost imperceptibly, and Ryan’s eyes flash black. Then he blinks again, and it’s all back to normal. (Later, Shane will reply to a tweet about this, saying “Lighting in that studio is so hard to do! It’s no wonder everyone thinks Ryan’s possessed. Honestly, though, I’d be more worried about the editors.”)

“Another question, from Facebook - Ashley Reynaldo asks, ‘Ryan, are you going to get yourself checked out? Prayed over? Anything? We’re worried about you!’” He looks back up at the camera, and deliberately slips in a little bit of the Ricky smile. “That’s very sweet of you, Ashley, but really, I’m okay. Don’t worry. We’re taking all necessary precautions.” He doesn’t drop the face, leaving no hint of the humour he usually adds, which somehow looks more jarring than the other moments where Ryan slips into “Ricky”.

Shane, pretending to be completely oblivious, grins widely and leans back in his chair. “I drew the line at putting a salt circle around the whole apartment. I mean, come on. Hanging an iron horseshoe? Aesthetic. I can get behind that. But salting the whole apartment? Drawing sigils on our doors, hanging mirrors? Nah. That’s just getting silly.” He reaches over and ruffles Ryan’s hair. “Besides, I live with the guy. It’s all fine! The weird night was a one-off.”

The comment feed below the video is running wild. “Those are for keeping spirits _out_ , not banishing ones already _present!_ ” says one commenter. “YOU NEED AN EXORCIST,” reads another. “Man, they’re really milking the whole Ricky bit hard this season,” says one more.

Shane snickers to himself as the others begin laying out the materials for the first practice run of the big finale. “Oh, this is gonna be so, so good,” he mutters.

* * *

Shane slides his chair over to Ryan’s desk. “Ryan,” he starts with a very serious expression, “I think we’re going too far with the demon thing.”

Ryan looks up, startled, and instinctively glances around to check if anyone else is listening. When he’s sure that nobody is paying attention, he looks back at Shane. “What— why are you bringing this up? Did I do something wrong?”

Shane hands him his phone with a grim expression. It’s a tumblr post.

A couple of animated gifs follow after the cut. Ryan scrolls through moments from the postmortem where he slipped into the creepy smile that he nicknamed the “Ricky smile” much to Shane’s amusement. Two of the “examples” aren’t even situations where he did it on purpose, he just looks kind of smug - and in the context of the other pictures, sure, it could be read as creepy. He stares at the last one. While Shane is talking about the Hot Daga, Ryan is staring at him, unmoving, for a solid ninety seconds, his eyes boring into his boyfriend’s head. Ryan remembers how he had to force himself not to listen to Shane - which is a bit easier during those particular parts of the postmortem - and just focus on _staring_. Shane is looking at his phone and reading out dialogue and Ryan brings his hands together as if he’s closing them around an imaginary neck and then he squeezes his hands to fists.

The tumblr post goes on, expressing concern about what Ryan is doing lately and how his death threats towards Shane (he had jokingly said “I will murder you” in an early episode of that season of Supernatural, when Shane nearly scared him to death) sound “too real”. Ryan is grinning like an idiot by the end of the post, where the self-proclaimed realist and Shaniac says that they are ready to believe in demons by now. Ryan looks up and sees Shane’s serious exterior crack.

“If even a Shaniac starts to believe this stuff, then we’re definitely going too far!” Shane exclaims, and both of them burst into laughter, Ryan clutching Shane’s phone to his chest. They only stop when someone walks past them and throws them curious looks and they have to wave it off and pretend it’s a dirty insider they can’t drag in the open.

* * *

Halloween finally rolls around, and the Unsolved crew are raring to go. The theme is Uncanny Valley Formal - dress to the nines, but make it _slightly_ creepy. Their earlier preparations for their Halloween costumes having been waylaid by preparations for the ‘Ryan demon possession prank war’ means that both Ryan and Shane have opted for tuxedos: Ryan has added a bright red bowtie and a touch of makeup, recalling the Billy puppet from _Saw;_ Shane has bowed to cliché and has sewn long tails onto his sleeves and several to the back of his suit jacket, giving off a Slenderman vibe. Depending on how the main event goes, Ryan has lipstick in his pocket and Shane has a full face mask in his - there _is_ a costume contest later, after all.

“God, I’m nervous,” Ryan says, just before they get out of the car. “This is it.”

“It’ll be fine,” Shane says, nudging him with his elbow. “You’re a born actor.”

“We’ve done everything on camera so far, though,” Ryan says, playing with the cuff of his shirt. “This is live. No second takes. No post-production.”

“And that’s why we rehearsed the hell out of it,” Shane replies, then waggles his eyebrows. “Get it? _Hell?_ ”

“Yes, you dipshit, I get the joke, that’s terrible,” he says, rolling his eyes, but he’s laughing. No one can chill him out quite like Shane. “Have you got everything?”

Shane slips his hand into his pocket and feels his fingers close around the little box. “Yep. Everything else is coming with Devon and Teej.”

Ryan takes a deep breath. “Alright. Endgame is go.”

* * *

“I have an idea for the big finale, but I need to run it by you first.”

“Okay?” Ryan swivels his chair around from where he’s been working on their “script”. He’s afraid he’s going a bit over the top with “Ricky” or “Demon Ryan” or whatever they’re calling it. It’s cheesy, but then again they don’t want to scare people to death, they just want to play a prank. Ryan does a double take when he actually looks at Shane, who looks a bit sheepish, bottom lip caught between his teeth. “Dude, are you alright?”

“Well, I was thinking… it would be best if you got your big demon moment in the middle of the dance floor, right? That would be a good place for the ritual and all.”

“Right.” Ryan nods. “Are you afraid I can’t dance? Because I can dance!”

“I don’t know,” Shane says, the nervous look replaced by a half-smirk. “I wouldn’t call what you do out there dancing, strictly.”

Ryan scowls. “Wow, Shane, no reason to be rude. At least I can keep my limbs in check.”

They both grin, the tension broken, but then Shane falls silent again and now _Ryan_ is starting to get a little nervous. Shane’s got his hands clasped in his lap, which is a far cry from his usual animated self. “What if I kind of met you on the dance floor, maybe made an announcement, got a camera or two on us?”

Ryan nods slowly. “That sounds good. It would kick off the reactions even more because everyone would already be looking at us.”

“Yeah, right? And… I’ve got _just_ the thing that would make everyone look at us. But you have to be cool with it, otherwise I won’t do it.”

“Shane, you’re starting to freak me out a bit, what are you planning?”

“I was thinking… we’ve been dating for a while, we live together, we just finished a big part of the show that is basically our life…” Ryan can sort of gather where Shane is going and his eyes widen. Shane takes a deep breath before continuing. “I was thinking… what if I proposed to you right before I keeled over dead? It would add to the drama and everyone would think demon you just played me big time.”

Ryan is staring at Shane, mouth slightly open. He’s trying to sort his thoughts. “You want to propose to me?”

Shane coughs and scratches his nose as he looks away. “I mean, I wouldn’t get an answer from you right there but in general? Sure. I mean, have you ever thought about getting married?”

Ryan softens a little, smiling. “I… Yeah, I have.”

“So… would that be okay? To make it part of the show? We can talk about a proper proposal some other time.”

Ryan thinks about it. The Halloween party, celebrating their shows’ successes, Shane proposing to him on the dance floor, in front of their friends and colleagues? It feels weirdly….sweet. Even though it’ll be part of a prank, Ryan can’t help but be touched by the image. “I think it would make for a great show,” he finally says, “though I kinda resent that I’ll have to watch you die and laugh it off, now.”

“Like I said,” Shane shrugs, “if you don’t want to, I’ll think of something else.”

Ryan grins. “No, I think it’s brilliant. Let’s do it.”

* * *

They wait until most of the partygoers have had just enough time to get a little buzzed, but not so much time that it’s weird that TJ, Devon, and Mark haven’t shown up yet. Ryan and Shane eat together, Ryan making as big of a show as possible of dressing Shane’s hot dog and groaning that “even here, in this holiest of places, there’s no escaping the fucking hot daga”. They toast with a shot of tequila - the only alcohol they’ll have, just enough to steel themselves but not so much as to forget their lines.

Shane finishes his hot dog, licks his lips, and nods to Ryan. Ten minutes. Ryan heads off to the dance floor and starts boogieing down. Shane watches him for a couple minutes, his hand sliding into his pocket again. Kelsey Impicciche sits down next to him. _Perfect_ , he thinks. He stays quiet for another thirty seconds, then pulls the little box out of his pocket. He hears Kelsey inhale sharply. _Got her_.

He plays with the box a bit, still looking at Ryan, and he makes sure to let the cheesiest, _schmoopiest_ expression soften his features. (“You look like you’re about to fall asleep.” “But do I look like a besotted rom-com character?”) He sighs gently, looks down, and opens the box. Inside is a simple ring, a silver band studded with tiny black gems. It’s not nearly as expensive as it looks, but it’s more expensive than Ryan is expecting.

Kelsey can’t contain herself any longer: she nudges Shane, and leans over to murmur in his ear. “Is tonight the night?”

Shane huffs a little laugh and looks back up towards Ryan, running a thumb over the ring. “Yeah, I think so. Seems appropriate, don’t you think? Halloween?”

Kelsey does a little wiggle of excitement. “Oh my God that’s adorable. Do you need any help?”

Shane looks over at her. “... Actually, would you mind recording it?”

She grins. “For sure!”

Shane stands up, takes a deep breath to steel himself, then goes over to Ryan - who has deliberately positioned himself in the middle of the dance floor - and taps him on the shoulder. Kelsey follows at a discreet distance, but her intense look at her phone as she gets the framing right is enough to clue the first few people in that _Something Is Happening_. The song ends, and Shane clears his throat; people start hushing others in the crowd as more folks realize what’s going on. Their co-workers start to grin and watch with anticipation.

“Uh, Ryan, I…” Shane starts, then swallows and scratches the back of his head. “I just wanted to say that the past couple years have been the best of my life, no joke. I’m so glad we’re together now, and …” He goes down to one knee, and there’s a collective gasp from the entire room: from the half of the circle behind him, a gasp of joy at the incoming proposal - and from the half that can see his face, a gasp of horror. Shane has arranged his features into a look of shock, which quickly changes to agony: bracing himself on his knee, he reaches up towards Ryan and groans in pain. “Ryan— what— something’s… wrong…” He collapses forward into an awkward tangle of limbs and moans again as Ryan begins to laugh.

It’s a chuckle at first, accompanied by a slight smile, which grows as the laugh morphs into something loud and raucous. The crowd has gone dead silent. “You fool!” he cries, staring down at Shane, who is twitching on the floor. “You’ve fallen right into my trap!”

The Buzzfeed employees’ Discord server is lighting up like a Christmas tree.

  
# general  
  


korndiddy  
Wtf is happening? 

* * *

quintab  
Can't tell if this is a setup

* * *

evans_zack  
Is anyone filming??

* * *

unfortunatlyashly  
Where's the sign-in sheet for   
extras, this has to be a video

* * *

Wine Mom Kelsey  
Ryan finally snapped

* * *

stevenklim  
Oh shit Shane's not moving

* * *

Wine Mom Kelsey   
Where's TJ, does he look   
concerned 

* * *

Andrew Ilnyckyj  
He never looks concerned

* * *

stevenklim  
He's not here!

* * *

adamjbianchi  
Can someone check if Shane's   
breathing?

* * *

korndiddy  
I'm not getting anywhere near   
Ricky Goldsworth 

* * *

fulmerino  
It's just Ryan! 

* * *

korndiddy  
_You don't know that_

* * *

Eugene, your Queen  
I always knew Ryan had it in him (Wine Glass)

* * *

Several people are typing...

“All year, all year I’ve been playing you, Madej, you goddamn fool!” Ryan says, throwing his head up and laughing again. “All this time, you’ve been helping me along, aiding my _passage into this world_ —” He lifts his arms to the sky. “And you never suspected a thing! I even poisoned your goddamn _hot dog_ so I could hoist you by your own _fucking_ petard!” Gasps of horror run through the crowd. Ryan turns up the amperage on his creepy grin, making sure his eyes are wide and staring. “Now all I need is your soul, oh so conveniently given, and the ritual will be complete!” He breaks into a full-throated cackle, and wishes to high heaven they’d been able to get the DJ in on this, because thunder and lightning effects would have been kick-ass right about now.

Right on cue, Devon, Mark, and TJ burst through the back doors with a bang and a clatter, causing the assembled crowd to gasp again - there are even a few surprised shrieks - and spin to the noise. The trio shove through the crowd, each with a shoulder bag on, all running as if their lives depended on it. TJ and Mark drop their bags and tackle Ryan, who pushes back against them and snarls; Devon drops to her knees beside Shane and rolls him onto his back, listens to his heart. “We’re too late!” she cries, “he’s not responding!”

“ _No—_ ” TJ grunts, trying to wrestle Ryan’s arm behind his back— “keep trying, Devon!”

Ryan shakes them off then, taking a step back. “You think you can stop me? I have endured trials far beyond anything you pitiful mortals could even conceive! _I will rise again!”_

“Oh Jesus Christ,” TJ breathes. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, this has gone so much further than we thought. Devon??” he calls back behind him, “what’ve we got?”

“Ah, ah, um,” Devon says, pretending to panic, prying Shane’s eyes open, “dilated pupils, there’s blood in his mouth, I still haven’t got a pulse, I don’t know if we can do this TJ, I think we’re too late—”

“God _damn_ the traffic on the four-oh-five, why did Father Thomas have to be on vacation, we had to go all the way to Panorama City to get some goddamn holy water—”

“I think that’s a tautology,” Mark comments.

* * *

Devon falls over laughing as TJ trips over the line in rehearsal. “God _damn_ the traffic on the— on the— fuck, the fucking interstate that’s always fucking congested as hell, what was the route again?”

Shane wheezes in paroxysms of laughter on the ground. “The four-oh-five, Teej, the four-oh-five.”

“Why are we coming from _there?_ ” TJ asks indignantly. “What a dumb route to take!”

Mark shrugs, the picture of serenity. “Father Thomas is on holiday.”

TJ grumbles several more swears and does the line again.

* * *

“You wanna end this?” Ryan says darkly, staring daggers at TJ. “Then do your worst,” he spits. People start screaming again as he brings up his arms in a “come at me” gesture. Mark pulls a crucifix from his gear bag and tosses it to TJ, who holds it in one outstretched hand, but it’s shaking a little.

“You have no power here, demon,” he says, his voice trembling slightly. “This ends here.”

Ryan just laughs.

* * *

“Oh my God,” Shane wheezes as TJ stands in the middle of the room, holding the pen they used as a prop because of-fucking-course nobody has a crucifix just laying around, not even Ryan. “They’ll never believe you’re scared. You’re _never_ scared.”

TJ winks at him. “All the more terrifying, don’t you think?”

“I mean, if they go for it, sure. But what if they don’t?”

“If they don’t,” Ryan says from his spot. “It’s Devon’s turn.”

* * *

Devon stands up from Shane as Ryan takes a step towards TJ. She grabs TJ’s other arm, the one he has outstretched to prevent people from getting closer. “You know it’s not gonna work like this! We need the words!”

“Then get someone to read the damn words!” TJ snaps at her without taking his eyes off of Ryan.

“Does anyone here speak Latin?” Devon yells, looking around the room frantically.

“I do!” Keith shouts, pushing through the crowd.

* * *

Devon snaps her fingers. “We need a plant to read the prayer,” she says, staring at Ryan and Shane as they practice the final scene. “That’s what we’re missing.”

Ryan frowns. “What?”

Shane grins from his spot on the floor. “You gonna bean Ryan over the head with a potted plant?”

Devon shakes her head and is about to answer when TJ says, “No, you mean, like, someone in the crowd who knows.”

“Yeah,” Devon says, “then it looks all the more believable.”

Ryan hums. “Who?”

At that precise moment, Keith walks by the closed meeting room door (they have it booked for “re-enactment practice” and hilariously, no one has cottoned on). Mark immediately opens the door. “Hey Keith, you got a moment?”

The lanky Try Guy does an about-face and smiles his trademark megawatt grin. “Sure do, my man, what do you need?”

Mark brings him into the room. Shane looks up at him from the floor and says, “Can you keep a secret?”

Keith’s grin turns from earnest and helpful to mischievous excitement. “Oh boy, you _bet_ I can.”

* * *

“Oh thank God,” Devon breathes, grabbing Keith by the arm as he enters the inner ring. “Here, here,” she says, rummaging through her bag. She pulls out a standard spiral-bound notebook and flips it open, finding the right page. “Here! Read this when I say go!” Keith starts scanning the page as Devon continues digging, pulling out candles and a lighter. She tosses one to Mark, then lights both.

Meanwhile, on the Discord server:

  
# general  
  


fulmerino  
Keith doesn't speak Latin, wtf 

* * *

Eugene, your Queen  
You think you know a guy... 

* * *

korndiddy  
WE DID A WHOLE SERIES ON   
KNOWING EACH OTHER   
_I WON THAT EPISODE_

* * *

Keith begins chanting as Devon, Mark, and TJ move around Ryan. “ _Exorcizamus te, omnis immunde spiritus, omni satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, omnis legio, omnis congregatio et secta diabolica, in nomini et virtute Domini nostri Jesu Christi…_ ”

Ryan hisses and snarls, backing away from the crucifix TJ is still aiming at him. “No— you— you _can’t do this_ , no mere mortal should be able to _defeat me_ , none of you _knew_ —”

“We’ve known for months!” TJ shouts, brandishing the cross. “You thought you were clever? Not a chance!”

Ryan backs up another step, looking between them. “I refuse! Not this close! Not this—” He collapses, and in the same heartbeat, Shane sits up.

“Shane!!” Kelsey cries from the sidelines, where she’s still filming. “ _Shane!_ ”

Shane opens his eyes, and sets off another round of screaming: they’re pitch-black.

* * *

Ryan is wheezing with laughter as Devon practices putting the black sclera contacts in while ‘reviving’ Shane. Shane is _not_ enjoying himself.

“Stop— _moving_ —”

“You are _literally poking me in the eye, Devon_ —”

“Well it’s not like you’re going to be able to put these damn things in by yourself while _purportedly unconscious,_ nor can you go around wearing them for the whole damn party—”

* * *

Devon, looking across the circle at Shane, yells. “ _It moved!!_ ”

TJ and Mark swivel as one. “ _Fuck_ ,” TJ says, “god _fucking_ dammit.”

They move to circle Shane, who is playing up the whole “new body” thing, slowly picking himself up off the floor, as if he’s having trouble balancing. “This… isn’t _ideal_ , but… _it will do_ ,” he rasps, blood dripping from his mouth. The crowd gasps. Keith is still chanting. Someone has started crying. “The preparations hold true regardless of the vessel. This one does not believe, but is weakened …” He raises his arms to the sky.

“No!” Devon shouts, “Not after everything we’ve done! Keith, keep reading! Maybe we’ll have a chance - maybe it’ll be easier if it’s in Shane!”

Shane laughs, though it’s more of a cough than a laugh. “You are too late! You are—” He stops and looks down, where he sees that Ryan has pulled himself across the floor and grabbed his ankle. “What—”

“You… absolute… _fucker_ ,” Ryan croaks. “You do _not_ … _get_ … to _ruin…_ his… _proposal._ ” And with that, Ryan wrestles Shane down to the floor again as TJ, Devon, and Mark close in, conveniently hiding the moment where Ryan helps Shane slip the sclera contacts back out.

Two seconds later, perfectly timed, Keith finishes the chant: “ _Eradicare et effugare a Dei Ecclesia, ab animabus ad imaginem Dei conditis ac pretioso divini Agni sanguini redemptis!_ ” Shane lets out an ungodly scream, and Devon and Mark subtly blow out their candles.

There’s a silence, which stretches out. Everyone’s still on edge. Slowly, the crew back up, revealing Ryan clutching Shane, who is splayed out like a ragdoll.

TJ breaks it. “... Ryan? You there?”

Ryan looks up at TJ, tears in his eyes. “… _This is all my fault_ ,” he says, voice cracking. “I had to go and get possessed and _now he’s gone_ —”

“Hey,” comes a raspy voice, “that’s bullshit, Ryan.”

Ryan gasps as melodramatically as possible and looks down at Shane, who is smiling up at him with beatific grace and the slightest twitch at the corner of his mouth as he tries not to laugh. This was always the hardest part. “ _Shane!_ You’re alive!!”

“Well, it’s like I always say, Bergara,” he replies, reaching up and touching Ryan’s cheek. “... Ghosts aren’t real.”

“Shut up, Shane,” Ryan says without rancour, and pulls him in for a hug - and so they can both grin like maniacs into each other’s shoulders.

* * *

Outside, under the rainbow of light that is the Los Angeles night sky, they sit next to each other on the parking barricades. Both of them look disheveled: their ties are undone, their hair is messy, Shane’s got several of the buttons of his dress shirt undone and Ryan’s jacket is slung over his shoulder with the arms of his shirt pushed up.

“I’d say that went incredibly well,” Shane says.

Ryan nods, and hums in agreement. “Went without a hitch,” he replies, “So fucking satisfying.”

“Yep,” Shane says. He pauses for a moment, then turns to Ryan. “Hey, so…”

“Yeah?”

He pushes himself off the barricade, standing up, and he looks out across the cloudy sky for a moment. “I never did get to finish what I was saying.”

Ryan looks a little puzzled. “I don’t… what? I don’t follow.”

Shane sticks his hands in his pockets. “Well, I mean, this _has_ been the best couple years of my life, Ryan. With Unsolved and Ruining History and everything— you’re the best partner a guy could ask for.”

“Aw, thanks buddy,” Ryan says with a smile. “That’s sweet of you.”

“No, I mean it,” Shane says, turning to Ryan. His face is serious - or at least, as serious as it can be with dried trails of fake blood on it. “I one-hundred-percent mean it, Ryan: you’re a brilliant producer and an incredible actor, and I don’t think I’ve ever met someone as passionate about what they do as you. I … I don’t ever wanna stop doing that, Ryan— being with you, I mean.”

“Shane, are you…” Ryan is back to looking a little puzzled, but it’s tempered with a genuine smile.

“Uh, yeah, I guess I am,” Shane replies sheepishly. “I know I said we could, like, talk about it, but, um, this just kinda feels right, so…” He goes down on one knee again, pulls the ring box out of his pocket, and opens it. “Ryan, would you do me the absolute honour of marrying me? ...And maybe not poisoning me with hot dogs anymore?”

Ryan wheezes; he can’t help it. He, too, pushes himself off the concrete barricade, and kneels in front of Shane, wrapping one hand around the ring box and closing it carefully while leaning in and kissing him softly, fake blood be damned. As he pulls away, gazing into Shane’s brown eyes as they open slowly, he whispers, “Yes, of course I’ll marry you.”

“And the poisoning? Can I get a hard no on that?” Shane murmurs back, leaning forward and pressing his forehead to Ryan’s, grinning.

“Ah, well,” Ryan hedges, grinning back, “I mean, once life insurance is in the picture, I really couldn’t guarantee it…”

They dissolve into giggles, hugging each other tight.

* * *

 

Eugene Lee Yang   
@eugeneleeyang   
.@ryansbergara @shalexandej @theteegeman @dcjoralmon you motherfuckers. 1:32 AM - 1 Nov 2018  1,502 3,640 5,724

Shane waves his phone under Ryan’s nose. “Look,” he says, “we got ‘im.”

“Hm?” Ryan doesn’t open his eyes. “Who?”

“Eugene.”

“What are you…” Ryan opens his eyes and startles as he registers Shane’s phone so close to his face. “What— oh.” He reads, sees the picture, grins. “ _Ha!_ ”

“Yup,” Shane confirms, kissing the top of Ryan’s head from where he’s sitting next to him, blankets tucked around his hips. “Like I said.”

“God,” Ryan says, shaking his head and nestling deeper into the blankets. “Best Halloween ever.”

 

Spooky Madej   
@shalexandej   
@eugeneleeyang Challenge ...what do you say? Challenged? Achieved?. 1:46 AM - 1 Nov 2018  15  
  
Ryan Boo-gara   
@ryansbergara   
"Achievement Unlocked"? smooth, man, smooth.  1:50 AM - 1 Nov 2018  14  
  
Spooky Madej  
@shalexandej   
@ryansbergara ;x 1:53 AM - 1 Nov 2018  53  
  
Spell-sey Impicicche   
@kelseydangerous   
@ryansbergara @shalexandej GET A ROOM YOU TWO. I'M STILL MAD YOU PLAYED US ALL 2:03 AM - 1 Nov 2018  32 139  
  
Ryan Boo-gara   
@ryansbergara   
@kelseydangerous it was a group effort. 2:15 AM - 1 Nov 2018  14  
  
Spooky Madej   
@shalexandej   
@ryansbergara @kelseydangerous one for the history books 2:30 AM - 1 Nov 2018  15  
  
The Teegemonster   
@theteegeman   
@ryansbergara @shalexandej go to bed we shoot tomorrow 2:37 AM - 1 Nov 2018  57  
  
Spooky Madej   
@shalexandej   
@theteegeman oh don't worry we've got bed under control 2:40 AM - 1 Nov 2018  31 42 48  
  
The Teegemonster   
@theteegeman   
@ryansbergara @shalexandej NO. 2:41 AM - 1 Nov 2018  29 842

Ryan giggles and kisses the underside of Shane’s jaw, both of them lit faintly by the cell screens.


End file.
